40

40

By Missy Shackelford

I am very aware of the fact that I am not a person of great accolade. I have not had a respectful Ivy League Education. I was not born into inheritance of wealth or prestige and do not really have a desire for it either.

I do, however, like to pay a bill or two without having to cash in my children’s change collection.

You could say that I have found a way of living by surviving.

If my banker would accept hope and dreams for deposits, I would be rich on my 1.3% interest.

I don’t blame the government, my parents, my poor choices, bad relationships, bad luck or God for any lack of success. I don’t even blame myself!

There is no blame to be distributed; it just is what it is because I am who I am.

I have been this person for many years. I have boldly approached life with an innocent faith in human kind, joy in the storm and a wonderful/unhealthy denial, which I have found cozy and comfortable. Being a writer, if all goes wrong- I just write a song about it and glamorize the suffering. Easy. I have generally liked myself, in spite of myself.

 Yes, I have actually been satisfied with my life- …UNTIL I start analyzing it.

Only recently have I started this evaluation, due to a very significant birthday approaching.

As this date draws closer, I find I am becoming more aware of all of my mistakes, shortcomings and lack of achievement. I am beginning to feel a race for time only so that I can feel some sense of accomplishment before the big day arrives. I have read that this “assessment” is not uncommon for many women approaching this milestone birthday. This is the birthday that most 29 year old women, like myself, will approach with dread; turning 40.

There I said it. Yes, I will be turning 40.

Dear God, even as I see it on paper I am a little disturbed! A big bold 4 and then a 0, sitting there in Times New Roman like a permanent, bloody red wine stain on the paper! Suddenly, I feel a little anxiety as reality becomes sobering.

My GOD. OH.MY.GOD.

Now, I know every 40+ woman right now is rolling their eyes. But, for ME this number is more significant than 30, 50, 60 and so on.

I was totally okay with 30. So far it was my favorite. I was old enough to know better and still too young to care. I lost my fear of confrontation, my co-dependant tendency and my baby weight. I found my OWN opinion and independence- I was unstoppable at 30!

But, 40? Honestly, I have dreaded this one for a while now.

Why? Because by this age, I thought I would have accomplished substantially more than I have. I am not discrediting what I HAVE accomplished at all. I just feel like I have disappointed myself with my lack of achievements. I have never been focused on wealth, career success, or even being the Grammy Award winner that I was certain I would have been by now. I have come to terms that Tom Cruise will not be pursuing me like I dreamed of in my 30’s; looking back I am so thankful he didn’t!  I don’t really know WHAT I expected to have accomplished by now, but it feels like something more than this.

For one, I was certain I would be remarried by now. I have spent the majority of my life practicing being the perfect wife. The countless hours of self help studies, learning to balance the fine line of domesticated diva and ferocious femme fatale.  Now, that I feel like I have mastered the art of wifery, it seems less interesting to me now. Sometimes not interesting at all.

Two, I had a strong confidence that all of the years I have written songs, performed various places and was such a dynamic personality- I would maybe, I don’t know, at least have my own talk show?!  The closest I have come to that is my MOBILE “make-shift” talk show that I have with strangers.  I am not only the star, but the Director, Producer, Sponsor and staff.

I conduct this show with everyone, but especially strangers. This happens all over town. I offer advice, commentaries and information to many people everyday. Some are willing audience members and some are my social captives until the check out is complete at my local Kroger. So, I guess that counts, in a way.?!?

Lastly (although many more exist), I wish that I could look at my children and be proud of all of the wonderful parenting I have given them as a single mother. Thankfully, they have grown into quite well adjusted young people- in spite of ME more so than BECAUSE of me.

 In my mind and in my memories, I have worn an apron their entire childhood and have always had a freshly baked batch of cookies ready for our nightly bible reading.

I am sure that in their minds and in their memories, I am a ticking time bomb that exists under yesterday’s t-shirt and always have a fresh batch of promises for a wonderful tomorrow- that they are still waiting on. They don’t have a private school education, a lot of clothes and cool stuff, but they are appreciative and genuine. They, despite every struggle, find joy and contentment in simple things. They approach every opposition with a blossoming hope, an unexpected humor and a determined will- that is about the only thing I have given them.

But, mainly they love me, their wild card mother, for who and whatever I am that day.

In my honest thoughts on age, I TRULY feel like I am in my twenties still. By that, I mean self-searching, exploring and wondering what I will be and what I will do when I ‘grow-up’. Someone told me the other day that 40 is the new 30. I think I will hold on to that philosophy. However, someone also said “orange is the new black” and I will certainly PASS on that.

But, everyday I am still thankful that I wake up. I am grateful somehow the Lord provides me with a roof and lights on. I am blessed for what I HAVE and often what I HAVE NOT. I have NOT a disease, have NOT a daily physical challenge and I have NOT anything that cripples me from progress; except myself.

Yeah, I put on a few pounds. Yes, there are a few wrinkles. Okay, I admit I have spotted an odd color hair strand a time or two and yes my breasts are not worth flashing anymore. Well, one is. One, actually, is an amazing super star that has held on to its youth like a champ.

Her twin, not so much. So, I guess I could, if need be, I could flash ONE. PROUDLY.

But, as I approach this birthday, I will see my glass of Vitamin enriched protein juice for aging women, half FULL.

I will try and embrace the fact that I am still dreaming, living and growing. I will still bake a fresh batch of promises of a wonderful tomorrow and maybe even deliver this upcoming year!

I vow that I will quit lying about my age and tell everyone the truth.

 I will own the years I have earned. I will say my age bravely- I AM 30.

I mean I am, eh-hem….

Damn it, I AM 40.

Missy

xoxo