THE PRAYING TREE- A fiction story based on actual events

THE PRAYING TREE

Why Great Bonnie don’t cry

A Fiction Narrative Based on Actual Events

Written by Melissa (Missy) Shackelford

Forward/Preface

The story of the Praying Tree was originally written to be a song.

Because of the interest of the story of the song, I was prompted to tell it.

Then, as writers will do, I just couldn’t stop.

What was meant to be a brief description of the "story" behind the song, took on its own life form.

This is one of the many stories that are in my heart’s archives from one of the most inspirational women in my life, and there have been many inspirational women I have had the fortune to know. But, the women of my family are the strongest women I have ever known. Each and every one of us have a long legacy of faith, strength, courage and character to live up to.

But, Great Bonnie was the greatest.

A woman who was little and loud, quiet and soft and gave me tools that I would forever use.

A woman who equipped me with more stories than I could ever tell, a fascination for life, a strong faith in God and human nature. A woman who gifted me with a foundation of searching for myself and being okay with WHATEVER I found; to laugh more and cry less. But, more than anything she taught me the value and therapy of HUMOR. This has been the one constant that has singularly saved my life many times. It is also the quality I am most grateful to have inherited and most honored to share with my own children.

To Great Bonnie, you were greater than you ever knew.

“Great spirits do not die; they live in the breath of every generation”.

~Missy

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THE PRAYING TREE SONG

 There’s a tree near Savannah, with branches bright and green.
Strong and still standing we call the Praying Tree.
Many generations of my family, have heard the many stories
Of my family’s praying tree.
 Barefoot as a baby, she’d walk the gravel road,
working for the children and her brothers back at home.
When times didn’t lend much hope, she’d fall on bended knee.
Prayers sent up to Jesus underneath the Praying Tree.
 

The granny that I never met but, lives in legacy; started a tradition that my momma shared with me. Near a patchy field of clover, a willow by the creek. Where many prayers were answered underneath the praying tree. 

By the praying tree she took her long last breath, near cotton fields and whiskey stills, where Pappy met his death. Next to her mother and the other family, all the generations laid to rest beneath that tree.

 I aint lived forever, but long enough to see, the power of an answered prayer. I only hope in Heaven there is a Praying Tree, so I can find  all of my family there. 

There’s a tree near Savannah with branches bright and green….

(c) 2014 Missy Shackelford

Music: John Shackelford 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 THE PRAYING TREE

By Missy Shackelford

*Based on actual events

Great Bonnie was born in 1910, the youngest of seven children. She had three brothers and three sisters.

She was my mother’s mother, my Grandmaw, and often times my only friend.

“Great Bonnie”, as we all called her, was a very eccentric, yet wise woman. She wasn’t a “talker” like me. She was quiet, long-suffering and always looked deep in thought.

I was full of eagerness and energy. I know now, looking back what great patience she must have had dealing with me. I had all the curiosity in the world, and for a woman with few words, how I must have challenged every one of them.

Great Bonnie loved me more than she had ever felt love before.

She was always quick to tell me that and she did throughout my life.

As a child I would ask her to tell me stories, she was such a colorful story-teller.

She would tell stories that seemed like movies in my mind. She would decorate every scene with such vivid imagery; she had a real talent at that. Although I was a talker, I was a good listener as well and especially when Great Bonnie spoke.

The story I am about to tell you was told to me after a routine “melt down” as a pre-adolescent. I had thrown a very dramatic fit over nothing. Nothing I can even remember. But, the less reaction I got from Great Bonnie the louder I became. Until me, not she- wore out.

When realizing my outburst was unsuccessful, I looked over at Great Bonnie who hadn’t said a word or even blinked. She was still embroidering her pillow case as if she were very relaxed and unmoved by my emotional collapse. I was almost offended that she had no reaction. Still calm and eyes fixed upon the pillowcases she was working on, she continued embroidering.

She looked up at me. In her fresh mountain hillbilly accent she said calmly, “You done, Sissy?”….

I snapped back, “You don’t even care at all that I am so upset!”…

Then, always like a parable- in typical Great Bonnie style, words simple but, poignant. She replied, “People that are yellin’ and cryin’ aint the ones folks need to worry ‘bout. It’s the ones who cain’t that need the worryin’…”

Now, today this rings clearer than any Bible scripture or Ernest Hemmingway quote.

But, at twelve, her wisdom was years away from sense to me.

Then, after she poured me some sweet tea we went to the porch.

The porch was always the sanctuary of talking for us. She would talk plenty out there. She did love being outside. She would sip on sweet tea or coffee, and sometimes even a little of her “Mason Jar Magic”, which later I realized was far from magic and much like Butane or Kerosene. Although, she said it was corn. “Made special by the Lord”, since she didn’t like eating it on the cob, “on the ‘count of her dentures…”

I “fiddled around” with the broken wood on the front porch swing as she lit up a cigarette. She would usually prefer to “snuff “but, this day she just chain smoked. I still laugh remembering how some days she would say she needed a “puff and a snuff”.

I asked her a simple question, but one that would always bring me back to this day on the porch. Why she never cried.  

This question ran through my mind, fresh after my unnoticed fit, that I didn’t recall EVER seeing her cry. Even after watching sad movies or at funerals. Not even at my own daddy’s funeral; which hadn’t even been that long ago. This just struck me suddenly as so odd.

 I mean how could a person be that way…? Especially Great Bonnie! She was capable, I just knew it. I mean she was funny, I had definitely seen her angry, so why? WHY? Why couldn’t she CRY?

She took a long puff off of her cigarette, and then lit another. I saw what almost looked like sadness in her eyes, which immediately made me want to take that question back. It occurred to me that I didn’t WANT to ever see her cry. Or even sad for that matter and I thought for a minute I was about to make her that way. But, before I could say never mind or change the question, she put her arm around me.

 Then she cleared her throat, put the first cigarette out and began to tell me a story I would never forget.

Her eyes began looking off as if she were watching the story and interpreting it to me. She started to rock in the porch swing and then she began. ….

“Long time ‘go, ‘fore ever-thing you know, I was a little girl. I know its hard to believe lookin at Great Bonnie now, but I wus! Jus’ like you. Axshilly, maybe a year er two on ya. I were tha littlist of seven. Three  sisters and three brothers. Some uh which you met, like Uncle Lin.

We lived way fer out. On a farm. Miles to walk to the main street. Which weren’t even a “main” street but jus a little gravel road that axshilly took you somewhere inta town.

It was The 1920’s and ever-body was poor. I mean poor-poor. But, we wus the bottom of the burrell poor. We growed our own food, kilt our own food, and ever-body had chores all the day long. Jus to survive. I mean keepin a farm was hard work. Most people today don’t know that kinda sweatin’”

My Daddy, I calt him Pap, was gettin ill with whut was killin ever-body then, the pneumonia. I guess I knew somewhar inside he was-a-gonna go home to the Lord soon. We all did really. It’s the most amazin’ thang how the Lord seems to let you know it before. You can almost feel death when it's near.

One night your great grandmaw, my maw, come in and gathered us up. Her handkerchief was wet. I knew already in my heart what she was ‘bout to say. She didn’t make no big announcement she just tolt ever-body chores would be diff’rent tomorrow as ‘Jesus called Paw on home'. She held tears back and said Jesus needed him to tend Heaven’s pastures’. 

She put it so pretty like. As if Jesus needed him more than us did….

Paw wus the best farmer in Savannah then. That made sense to me. But, not my heart. 

You think Great Bonnie don’t cry none? Maw NEVER cried. Hell dint nobody haf time to cry back then.

But, I catched her one time. She had a tree, The Praying Tree, by the crick way fer out from tha house. It was a big old beautiful tree! Maw said it was older than the bible. That probly wus just a joke. But, I did know her own Maw would pray at it. I thank her Maw's Maw too! My aunts woulda say that all the women at the tree prayed off wars and famines and what not. They’d say that ole tree was parful, special. There was so many stories about magic thangs that happened after prayin at that tree. You could even FEEL the Lord there. It was a deep belly feelin' when you knelt at it. Gives me goose bumps just rememberin'.

Well, yeah Maw would go thar and she’d pray fer ars and ars. I knew it wus a special time and I aint never tried to peek on her cus I knew the Lord-a-see me and all but, one time I did.

She’d take her long hair down. I aint never seened her with her har out cept at bath time ‘fore. But, she would fer Jesus. She looked beautiful. Like a paintin’ or sumthin. I never noticed how purty she was til I saw her like that.

 There she would start off praying for us, our children and our children’s children. She would start crying and that scared me. I didnt wanna see it. She would cry so loud, sounds I aint never hert her make. Like deep hollers that came from somewhere I aint never knew! She would cry and pray, then she would sing, she’d even dance. But, it was that cryin. …That kinda cryin I aint never fore heard.

Maw was a very good Christian. We didn’t git to go to church much but, she raised us on powerful prayers and talking to the good Lord. We knew our scriptures and read the bible. We never read much of the Old testament tho- cuz it got wet one time in a storm. But, Maw would say that was alright cuz we wasn’t Old Testament folks. But, she would tell us stories about it. Like Noah and the flood, Jonah and the whale….they seemed kinda scary to us growin up. 

Great Bonnie kinda chuckled thinking back.

Well, then one day my favorite sister Lucy Alice came running to the crik while I wus a warshin clothes and said hurry up ta the house cus she was afraid. I took off runnin. When I got there, maw sat in her bed, yella and pale- I had seen that look on Pap right before he left ant I knewed she was bout to go. All the brothers were out workin so its jus me and the sisters. Although Lucy Alice was my favorite, she was older than me but she always felt like the youngest cus she relied on me a lot. I covered her pretty blue eyes and tolt her to run on. I dint want her to see Jesus take Maw. My other favorite sister, Ruth- named after your great granny-had tolt me to run on but, I said no. She always did me like I did Lucy Alice, tryn to perteckt me and all. The other sister, Ester was the oldest. She were a lot like Maw. Quiet and worked harter then me and Ruth and Lucy Alice.

Thu three uh us were playful and stayt in trouble.

I kissed Maw as her eyes began to git far away, like she was lookin for Jesus. I closed em fer her so she could see him better. And I guess she fount him cus that’s when he took her.

Lucy Alice cried so loud. Much like Maw did at the praying tree. I ran and got the boys.

 I wus the fastist runner of us all. Maw said my feet was made fer runnin cus the bottoms wus hard. But, I ran cus it felt good to git gone down the road cus it hurt me real hard inside when Maw left. The runnin made it easier in a way…

 But, I tolt myself the Lord must-a needed a really good cook for Pap, cuz he was so hard to please. Bet they were eatin’ stew, Pap’s favorite.

Those kinda thoughts made the baddest thangs seem easier fer me.
I liked the thought of Pap, Maw and Jesus eatin' stew.

I found Lin first, he was second to the oldest which was Til. 
He looked just like Pap, but skinny. Lin was sof harted, I knew he’d need me ta pray fer him. He loved Maw. But, none loved Maw like Cal.
 And none loved Cal like me.

 Cal was werkin down at the Cedar Mill. Cal was Great Bonnie’s favorite brother,, Sissy. You woulda loved ole Cal. He loved to sang like you and me.

He and I would sang songs and he taught me how ta play the fiddle. He also taught me how ta sang “off” like I teach you. We would sang at church and know that Jesus was so proud-a-us! We would laugh together alot an he always made me feel like everything was gonna be ok.

I couldn’t get to him quick enuf but, he workt late.

I decided after ever body got back at the house, I wus gonna go run and find him at the Cedar Mills. But, Til  said no.

Lin  tookt me outside and said He need to talk to me. He bowed his head like he was about to tell me sonethin’ terrible. He started  sayin how Cal wasn’t at the Cedar Mill he was brewin whiskey and if anybody knew we could loose the farm.

 I didn’t understand that then and you prolly don’t understand it now but back then that was a kinda bad thang to do.

 I loved Cal with my whole heart so I took upon myself to make my first visit to Maws prayin tree. I felt Jesus there. I knew it was magic.

I looked down at where Pap lay and knew soon there would be a wet patch of dirt where maw would also lay…I wondered how many others were there as I prayed. I begged God to make Call not do those things that are sinful and wrong. I tolt the Lord he KNEW Cal had a pure heart but, just was worried bout the family and please forgive him.

I left knowing the Lord heard me and Cal wouldn’t be makin whiskey no more.

So I was gonna wait on Cal by the Main road. I dint care how long it took him to git home I wus waitin. I needed him.

Finally hours later, he did. He helt me an I wus okay again.

Days went by and we were getting ready to send Maw off. The brothers and I would foller the Herse to bury Maw. Ester also came. Lucy Alice and Ruth stayed behind. I knew Ruth had been real sick. I also knewed Lucy Alice wus fakin cus she didn’t go nowhere without Ruth or me.

In the back of my head I wus so worried about Ruth. Poor Ruth. God please spare her I begged. I got so sick thankin bout all of that- I had to stop and puke twice on the way to Maw.

I followed first behind the Hearse , as I wus the fast one. Lin was trying to keep up, kept fallin., He wus just so clumsy, Lord help him. Still is. That made me kinda giggle. That wus Gods way of makin me smile even in the saddest of time.

Cal and I sang Maw’s favorite song, “I’ll Fly away” and Lin played the banjo. I almost smiled cus I knew she wus hearin us cus we sang special good jus fer her that day.

After, I followed the Hearse back. Slower than normal.

I guess my heart hurt and so did my tummy.

But, I remembered bout  Ruth bein sick and all and how I needed to git to her and Lucy Alice. But, it was miles ahead. But, thinkin of them made the steps quicker.

After about a mile, we all heard gravel kickin.

That was a sound you jus didn’t hear often where we lived. Folks dint have cars and stuff war we were. Thar was only Hearses and rarely ambulances. And usually both were bad. Hearse meant you were dead and everyone knew it, ambulances meant you were dead and everbody had to find out later. Back then you didn’t call an ambulance for emergencies- couldn’t affort to. They’d only came when you wus past gone. I kept walkin- didn’t even look behind me. I knew the only direction that the noise wus comin from… The road that lead to my house.

I started singing to drown the sound. To drown the sound of what I knew was bad. Scared to look back, scared not to. But, I did. When I looked I saw Lin on the ground. Not cus he fell but, cus he was cryin. Then my eyes was quick to spot Cal. He wus runnin. He was runnin for me….

He said,’Bonnie jus keep walking little girl’. His voice shook as he spoke.

That wus the sound of tears pilin up in yer throat. I knew that sound well.

When I sawed Cal’s face with tears I knew we had lost Ruth.

Half of me just so thankful it wasn’t little baby Lucy Alice. Then I feeled guilty for that.

Suddenly I was so thankful she stayed behind with Ruth. Thank God she was a little faker, that way at least someone was there for Ruth when the Lord called. So many thoughts were swishin around in my head.

Cal had caught up to me. His big arms made me feel okay to cry. I cried so hard. Like Maw at the Tree. Poor Ruth, I thought. Then I thought poor Lucy Alice all alone at the house! My feet got to movin’. I couldn’t get home to her quick enuf!

I told him lets hurry to get home to Baby Lucy.

Then, he grabbed me up. I still heard tears trapped up in his throat. I had THAT feelin.

 I knew what he was bout to say- something bad. Then, he said the Lord needed Lucy Alice hours before Ruth.

What? I couldn’t quite wrap my head around the words as he spoke em. I replayed it in my mind as he repeated. Obviously seeing the question on my face.

Lucy Alice wasn’t fakin. She wus sick too,I reckon. This illness wus quick- and strong. Both my favorite sisters gone to Maw and Pap….

That’s when tears fell, and fell. Then I thought I cried them gone. But, then big dusty invisible tears fell. So many tears, Sissy, so many.

I thought all my tears were dried up. And when I thought they were gone, my belly had a hole so big and hurt so bad, more tears would come.

At home, the house was empty. It smelled like Maw still. Lucy Alice thangs were still everwhere like she always left em. I told Ester leave em be. Please. It comforted me to see the girls’ messes. So, she left them. I looked around, it seemed like I was forgettin sumthin. Like sumthin was missin’. …and it was.

I began workin twice, three times as hard. I had all the girls’ chores and I cooked cus Ester couldn’t. Well, cook good anyway.

The days were long but the nights were longer. I missed bedtime with the girls, it was my favorite part of the day. The coal oil light would always shine Lucy Alice’s reflection on my bed. We would do puppet shows on the wall, which aggravated Maw. We would laugh and giggle until she would blow the light out. Then we would all say our prayers and thank God for being merciful. We had food, which was more than some, and we had each other. I wondered why the Lord needed both sister’s. I guess they just refused to leave the other one so God just had to take em both. At least they were together. I would think on that,  cuz that was a happy thought. I found myself still lookin for Lucy Alice’s shadow on the wall. But, this night all I could see was the empty darkness where her reflection would be no more.

Weeks went by. Slowly. It was hard often days, cus I felt so alone. I found that singin would make the pain less so. Sometimes I would make up funny songs. I would just laugh to myself, as if I were the funniest thang ever. The Lord made me to laugh away thangs sometimes.

 We all were workin harder than we ever had and Cal had taken another brother to the whiskey stills. I prayed and begged him but he said now more than ever we had to do what we had to fer the sake of the others, and some of us wus just stronger. I wished I wus one of the boys. I really wanted in my heart to be with Cal.

I wus strong! I asked him to consider me workin with him at the Still. If Til could do it, Lord knows I could!

One morning he called me up early, and I mean before the chickens early.

 He handed me some work clothes and I wus on my way. To ‘shine with him and the others. I felt kinda excited. Then, guilty.

Lord forgive me I would pray as we walked the steep and narrow back woods to the shacks and nestles where we would sin. For our family, only. Lord forgive me I would pray.

We worked hard, and where I didn’t know all the details, I knew we were doin good cus Cal was smiling, and singing again. The days at the Still were good ones. Me and the brothers workin’, sangin songs all day. It seemed more like fun than work. It became my favorite time. But, I still felt that hole in my belly where tears oughta be, and a hole in my soul where Jesus oughta be too. I just knew he wus mad at me. I tried not to think on that. But, when I did I would ask him to please forgive me and also keep in mind that I was still a child. In my head, the Lord thought that was funny and would pardon me from my sins.

Then one day, I left the still early as I had gotten what made us women. Maw never tolt me about it, the older girls never talked really and the blood made me thought I was dyin. I remembered the others goin through this so I guessed it was normal. But, it scared me at first.

I couldn’t tell Cal; so he just thought I wus tryin to get outta work like the others.

That bothered me cus I wanted to make Cal proud. I ignored him hollerin and just ran home and knowed  I’d be quick back.

As I got half way back to the Still from home,  I heard a rumble. A big rumble like I aint never heard.

 I looked back and saw a big fire cloud. Then here come Lin runnin.

Hollerin, ‘go bonnie go’!

But, as I saw people runnin, I couldn’t see Cal.

I wouldn’t leave without Cal. I AINT leavin without Cal. But, Lin yelled if I run into the cloud I would be dead like the others. What others? WHERE WAS CAL?

Lin ran on and I ran back to the still to find Cal. I knew he was hard headed and prolly still workin. In the fire and everything knowin him! My feet were runnin as fast as the thoughts in my mind.

But, What I saw is what changed me.

I got to the still. Tip-toed careful around broken wood and ash. Behind the burning wood and wire, in between the concrete wall and the door was my Cal.

He spotted me and hollered, ‘damn it bonnie run and I mean run ‘for this blows on you’!

I disobeyed. I trenched through the burning ember to get nearer to Cal.

I saw him. My God I saw him!

He was blacker than tar. Body melted into the wire and wall. 

All that really looked like Cal was his bluest eyes. His beautiful blue eyes.

The eyes that sawed after me, that lit up when he sang, the eyes of my Maw and her Maw and my Pap. The eyes that I prayed for. The eyes that ALWAYS looked back at me, and meant everthang of how I felt about anything.

He said, ‘Bonnie, git my gun’. I was shakin’ and scared but, I did. I thought he must have some great idea- he always did. I was shakin, tryin not to show my fear.

He said,’ right now take that gun and point it at me and pull the trigger’!

 I said NO! His voice a weaker whisper now, begged; ‘BONNIEEE, please do what you know is right. Listen to Cal, I love you Bonnie. Help me!’…..I aimed but, begged Cal. Pleading and praying until the loudest, firmest ‘BONNIE-NOW’! I knew that was all the talk Cal had in him.

And I pulled the trigger at Cal and sent him to the Lord.

I dropped the gun and ran. Crying and running. Miles to home.

On the last mile home- I walked and cried.

I just couldn’t figure out why the Lord needed Cal. WE needed him more. I needed him MORE! I asked God but he never tolt me back. I had hoped it actually was THE LORD that took him. I had prayed for Cal’s forgiveness!

That thought took up too much room in my head and in my heart.

Tears fell and fell. For days, weeks, months.

I knew in my heart if they ever stopped, I would have no more tears.

 I was right. But, even years later I would feel them wellin’up. I wus afraid to let em down as they might flood the farm.

I secretly hoped they wouldn’t store up and one day pop…

Nobody knew what happened in that still that day. I was good at keeping secrets. Nobody knew at all. Just me and Cal.

And the Lord.

…..and now you little Sissy.”

I cried as Great Bonnie told me that story. But, I cried discretely. Suddenly I felt shameful for silly tears I cried earlier. I felt so sad inside for my Great Bonnie. I wanted to hug her-make it better. But, I knew that she didn’t work that way.

When her cigarette pack was gone, so was the story.

She crushed out her last cigarette, patted my leg, and then looked up at the sky with a small squint.

 She casually asked me if I thought it looked like rain in those clouds….as if she hadn’t just told me the saddest story in my life….

I looked up at the sky and said, “yes mam, maybe we should go on in”….

I thought to myself, it looked like a bad storm. Like the clouds had been storing up the rain for quite some time. I knew we needed to hurry in before it started.

I said, “Yep, they look full like they might burst any minute…”

She brushed herself off and looked back at the clouds.

“…Let’s get in before the flood comes…”

Then she winked as she closed the porch door.

~Missy

2012

My Day 1 journal has been moved....

My "Day 1" journal has been moved to this link: http://meanwhilemissyday1.blogspot.com/

Day 1- Entry 4 10-7-15 thru 10-9-15

Week 3? Day 1

10/7/15

I am learning everyday is “Day 1”. Everyday is new. Everyday is a new journey.

Thank you Lord for leading me from one new day into the next new day; and everyday into your will, your grip. Amen

Some days I find myself questioning what I am doing. I look at a large pile of songs. I am so reverent and thankful for. But, is this really what it is about? I get frustrated when I see others achieving so much while I struggle daily for simple things. This is not the Lord.

Day 1

10/8/15

Working with mainly teenage girls, I see so much insecurity. The “Selfie” has become this generations way of finding themselves. Don’t get me wrong, it is fun to take “selfies” for fun. But, lately I see an epidemic of endless pictures of these girls in every different outfit, makeup, etc, to the point it is disturbing. There is a viral video going around the internet of these 8 girls at a basketball game. Every one of them taking countless pictures of themselves. Not even watching the game, just snapping photos.

It occurred to me we are living in a self created reality. We capture the moments we are at our best and post them for the world to see. We are so focused on finding the perfect angle, lighting, filters etc so we can create a picture that reflects us at our very best. The result is everyone is looking at everyone else’s “filtered reality” and not seeing real self behind the “selfie”.

As a generation we are all about ourselves. What pressure some of these girls must have to live up the pictures they see.

No one posts “selfies” in real moments. No one even uses the original shot even! We filter, retouch, re-filter until we are only a Photoshop of ourselves.

Some of life’s most real moments can be ugly. We all experience it. We just never capture it and post the real “selfies”.

When so much focus is on the outside of a person we lose sight of the beauty within.

We love our “selfies” a lot more than we love “ourselves”.

The bad news is sometimes we will grow old. We will lose our outward beauty. Then what value will this generation have for themselves?

10/9/15

Today I realize how much easier it is to trust the Lord when everything is going okay. But, after being short on my utility payment it is so much harder to trust in the dark; figuratively and literally. The enemy begins telling me how I am making an error in following my God, what a loser I am, how incompetent I am, etc. I have to remind myself what a liar the devil is.

Today my doubt is a little bigger than my faith and when that kind of imbalance happens the enemy has won.

So. Lord I will trust in your plan, regardless of the circumstances and how I FEEL.

Jesus, please provide. You are a husband to the husbandless and a father to the fatherless. Please reassure me that I am following the right path. Increase my faith today, Oh Lord. Thank you for the miracles you are capable of performing and I thank you in advance for what you will send my way. AMEN.

P.s. Lord thank you for sending a word of encouragement from my son for me in my moment of doubt. Thank you for the seed that has been planted in him to grow. 

Day 1 (Entry 3 week 3) My journey into the unknown of God' will

Week 3? Day 1

10/7/15

I am learning everyday is “Day 1”. Everyday is new. Everyday is a new journey.

Thank you Lord for leading me from one new day into the next new day; and everyday into your will, your grip. Amen

Some days I find myself questioning what I am doing. I look at a large pile of songs. I am so reverent and thankful for. But, is this really what it is about? I get frustrated when I see others achieving so much while I struggle daily for simple things. This is not the Lord. This is the enemy trying to shift my focus from God's purpose to my desires. IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. The hardest lesson learned.
Help me to remember that I am not the focus Lord. Forgive me for forgetting that. Amen

Day 1

10/8/15

Working with mainly teenage girls, I see so much insecurity. The “Selfie” has become this generations way of finding themselves. Don’t get me wrong, it is fun to take “selfies” for fun. But, lately I see an epidemic of endless pictures of these girls in every different outfit, makeup, etc, to the point it is disturbing. There is a viral video going around the internet of these 8 girls at a basketball game. Every one of them taking countless pictures of themselves. Not even watching the game, just snapping photos.

It occurred to me we are living in a self created reality. We capture the moments we are at our best and post them for the world to see. We are so focused on finding the perfect angle, lighting, filters etc so we can create a picture that reflects us at our very best. The result is everyone is looking at everyone else’s “filtered reality” and not seeing real self behind the “selfie”.

As a generation we are all about ourselves. What pressure some of these girls must have to live up the pictures they see.

No one posts “selfies” in real moments. No one even uses the original shot even! We filter, retouch, re-filter until we are only a Photoshop of ourselves.

Some of life’s most real moments can be ugly. We all experience it. We just never capture it and post the real “selfies”.

When so much focus is on the outside of a person we lose sight of the beauty within.

We love our “selfies” a lot more than we love “ourselves”.

The bad news is sometimes we will grow old. We will lose our outward beauty. Then what value will this generation have for themselves?

Day 1 (Entry 2- Week 2) My daily journey into the unknown of God's will.

Day 8 Unemployed

9/27/15

Last night was the songwriters showcase at MGP. I almost didn’t go because of my transportation issues. But, I prayed and the Lord made a way. I am so glad I went. It felt so good to be recognized as a songwriter by my peers. I don’t know why this means so much to me. I guess when you write as much as I do, it is human nature to wonder if you are spending all of this time on nothing. Haha!

But, I was blessed last night. Even financially! My tithe came back to me 6 times! Sold a song- praise the Lord.

Today, I am writing and having the family over. I am so blessed for this house that I love. Thank you, Jesus for the things I desire in my heart being important to you.

Continue to lead me even on days where I am busier than usual. I love you. Amen.

Day 9 Unemployed

9/28/15

I have always considered myself a fairly confident person.

It is still amazing how the enemy will work so hard to afflict you with self doubt.

It always starts with the smallest negative thought and it grows into a weed of self destruction. I notice I write a lot about weeds. One day, I might write an entire book about them. No, there would not be any type of gardening content.

It would be about the weeds that we water while we let the flowers from the seeds we sow die of thirst. What have I watered today? WEEDS.

My “weeds” of self doubt. The Lord told me (Jeremiah 29:11) he has plans for me to prosper. That is the seed he gave me. It is my job to let it grow.

Lord, thank you for the gift of discernment and wisdom on some days and the knowledge of my lack of wisdom as well. You make everything in perfect design. Forgive me for getting tangled up and not recognizing your simplicity. Help me recognize the weeds daily. Amen.

Day 10 Unemployed

9/29/15

The more I focus on the Lord’s Will and seeking his voice, the more abundant it becomes in my life. One thing I have learned in this journey so far is that he does not always operate in big manifestations. Sometimes, it is so small that it would be unrecognizable if you were not looking. I wonder how many of these special moments I have lost because of not paying attention. In the world, we are all trying to find ourselves. But, in our lack of faith, we find an incorrect version of ourselves. The reason is because we will NEVER find our purpose outside of our Lord. He has created us for reasons that are not of this world. He is showing me how much greater my purpose is than this city, this industry, these financial goals and my own selfish gains. In the grandest of all plans he has my very existence intended for HIS purposes, not mine. When I think about that, it over shadows any fear and doubt. I know for TODAY I listened. I followed. I found a genuine joy in watching my daughter and my students (current and former even) perform. I am so blessed to see these incredible students grow; not just as artists but, as people. Even despite the negativity they are surrounded with sometimes. Some of them are totally unaware what great things they are called to do. It isn’t my job to tell them this. It is just my job to prepare them. This job is an honor.

Thank you Lord that you have given me insight for these talented people. Thank you for the gifts they have been given. Please direct my words and suggestions according to what you desire for them. Help those that have lost the fire you gave them to be re-lit and find joy in their gift. Help them to rise above the snickers, the defeats, the enemies at their gates and seek counsel in you. Give them vision to see themselves as YOU see them and not as others do. May their confidence turn in them directing them to your path.

Amen.

Day- Ummm.? Don’t really know

10/4/15

These last few days have been a real blur. We have been going non-stop with the Mid South Fair Youth Talent Show. Everyday I have still started my day in prayer and devotion. I have seen the Lord do some pretty amazing things though my faith. Simple things I have needed and asked for- really just necessities that I have seen no way possible- but he made a way.

Then, the fair.

I have battled every demon in hell at times. When you work with these students, you become so invested in their life. You know them and when they worry, you worry.

Watching the high’s and low’s of this fair season has made me even more grateful and confident in what I am doing. These incredibly talented students put so much into this one time of year. They have no idea what I see in them and how TRULY AMAZING THEY ARE, they have no definition of that yet. I try to let them see themselves through my eyes and when they finally do it is that confirmation that keeps me going.

One of my students overcame fear, criticism and general hate and despite of all that- made it to the finals with her original song. This was a big win for the small group of young singer/songwriters with this bold and successful move.

Another battling her own warfare and still rising above the mess and achieving her moment. She didn’t “win” either but, she did.

I look at these kids that have won past talent competitions before and think “NOW what”?

They will never really explore themselves as the truly great and solid artists they are. Most will never go where they need to or pursue their dreams.

The sad part is a lot are so much closer than they think. THESE are the reasons I can’t stop doing this yet. The Lord called me to feel this way!....to see this vision. I will trust him until my eyes do not see it anymore or until he leads me elsewhere.

Lord, thank you for the great gifts I see these young adults have. Thank you for the opportunity to make a difference. Please close the mouths of those who have only ill intent and allow the enemy to use them as a vessel to keep these kids from your great and mighty plan. Help me to speak words you want them to hear. Help me to guide them where you want them. Fill their hearts with desire for your will and confidence to trust you. You are bigger to me everyday lately. I am so thankful for your discernment. I love you with my whole heart!

Day 1- (Entry 1- Week 1) My daily journey as I have lost my job and am living daily following what I believe God has called me to do

Week 1 
Day 1- Unemployed

9/20/15

Today, I received a letter from my company stating they “my position was no longer needed” and “please pursue your music career” and how “they wish me the best of luck with my music”. I had spent two years there. This is a record long time for me in a regular job. I had given a lot. I also, had received a lot. There is some sadness when I think of this chapter closing. This had become a very comfortable and safe chapter for me.

Today also was my first writing class in a while. This, ironically, was busier than ever; one new student and three of my regular ones. The gratification I feel teaching my students how to not only write a song but, to observe life differently, is so rewarding.

… From my new student today message sent to my daughter.

But, it has been more of a hobby than a career that paid my bills. Now, this would have to be my main source of income, somehow. This normally would be a fearful place and I normally would be full of anxiety and worried.

Oddly, I am not afraid. I almost felt this coming as the Lord has been a constant presence reminding me through out recent days that I have been called to a higher purpose. He knows change is scary for me but, he has given me peace. Peace, truly beyond understanding and measure.

After being isolated this past week to my house with no car or phone, a lot has been revealed to me about his will and my own. The main lesson being that torment exists when MY will gets in HIS way.

During this week of isolation I have been forced to my songwriting. I have written a solid 8 songs and have about 10 more in progress. I have always thought how crazy it is that I have so many songs in me. This might have been a move from the Lord to finish some of my songs that have been in “progress” too long. A few are really, really good.

Is this what he really wants me to do? Really?

Because of my prayerful place, I am inclined to believe this is the direction he is leading me. Therefore, I will follow.

After spending the first 40 years of my life in my own version of the biblical “Egypt”, I no longer want to waste time in my own agenda absence of the guidance of my Lord.

So, I have decided I will tithe (for the first time in a long time) 10% of my last paycheck and lean on the promises of my father.

I have to say I feel a rumble of expectations of success. Doubt will over whelm me in days to come, I am certain. But, today I KNOW I am in the hands of a big God. A God big enough to actually make this music thing manifest into something.

Thank you, Lord for entrusting me to a gift that I recognize comes from you. Please guide me into the path that you have carefully paved for me. Help me not to be misled, to keep my eyes on you and to sustain me and my family through this time of trust.

Amen.

Day 2 unemployed

9/21/15

I woke up this morning anxious. I immediately began praying. I am so aware and reverent of Gods purpose- even though I still am unsure of what that is exactly. Blind faith and bold trust do not come easily by me. After prayer I read a scripture. 

 Colossians 3:23 ► New International Version
“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters..”

I am seeking the Lord constantly. By my past mistakes in life, I am cautious about making decisions. I have found my decisions have lead me off of God’s path. So, I will patiently wait upon the Lord. For now, I will do what I feel he has called me to do in this present moment. That is continuing to write. I have 22 songs currently, a few blogs, and now this journal that I feel called to write.

He has blessed me with words. So, this is what I will do with all my heart until lead otherwise.

I must admit, though still seeking peace form worry, I am anticipating seeing what the Lord has in store for me.

Lord, help me to hear you and watch for your direction. May your will be done and may your Glory manifest. Lead me and I will follow you, Oh God. You will never forsake me. You are the almighty owner of everything and I am your child. My inheritance is in you. I will not worry. You are a father to the fatherless and a husband to the husbandless. Thank you for calling me into a divine purpose.

Forgive me of my untrust. I love you, my Father.

Amen.

Day 3 Unemployed

9/22/15

I reminded through scripture in this journey of trust, that the Lord is the supplier of my needs. That my God is a mighty and Large God! The owner of everything. This is important for me to remember in these times because when I got lost in my own thoughts, they turn to worry. This is not what the Lord wants from me. So, I am practicing directing my thoughts to him in every moment.

I anticipate a great thing and I am expecting it.

Dear Lord, Thank you that you have plenty for me. That you are guiding me through what I believe is a spiritual journey to where your will lies. Forgive me of my sins and my doubts and worries. Thank you for choosing me to be in your presence. Thank you for the miracles that await me and thank you for the restoration that you promises. I believe in them and receive them in your holy name.

Amen

Day 4 unemployed

9/23/15

Today is realize EVERYDAY is like day 1. A little discouraged and lost today. Funny how the Lord reminded me in my devotional that my feelings aren’t real and they are not a measure of what he is doing. I loved that. Thank you, Jesus.

Day 5 unemployed

9/24/15

Today I went to my praying tree. Which is such a sacred spot for me and I feel so close to the Lord. Again, in meditation and prayer he told me to quit thinking about tomorrow and seek his face.

I had began to worry a little about bills, my broken car, etc..

I will be sending my tithe off today. He told where to send it.

He also told me to check my prayer request box in 7 days. This is where I write my prayer requests. In an old mailbox by my praying tree.

I will wait and watch for him.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for your voice. I am lost without it. Thank you for your promises. I am expecting miracles from you according to your word. Thank you in advance.

I love you. Amen.

Still Day 5

Just sent my tithe. It is sitting in the mailbox. The last little bit of money I may see in a while. My daughter called me stupid for doing this when I asked her to pray with me over it. I know she is unaware still of the great miracles of being obedient to the Lord. Hopefully, she will see through this giant step of faith.

I feel very anxious in my spirit today. I don’t know why. But, the Lord told to me to watch for signs of something today. I will be watching.

Dear Lord, thank you for the gifts you give us. Thank you for allowing me to hear your voice and be in your presence. I bind any assignment on me, my family or my finances in Jesus name. I rebuke you Satan from any interference. What is bound on earth also is bound in heaven, in Jesus holy name. Amen.

Day 6 unemployed

9/25/15

Bills due and I am behind on prayer. I feel it. I need more time with the Lord today. I must SLOWWWW down and find his presence. Funny how I am so aware of this since I have been so much closer to him lately.

Thank you, Lord for awareness when I am in my own will and leaving you behind. I need you, YOUR direction. Not my own.

Amen.

Day 7 unemployed

9/26/15

I am realizing to day it is easy to trust the Lord when you have an earthly safety net in case he doesn’t do what you want him to. But, TRUSTING the Lord is going blindly into everyday with it’s discouragements and obstacles. The days when you don’t see hope in sight, when everyone is a buzz in your ear telling you negative things and when you aren’t hearing the voice of Jesus as loud as on other days.

But, these days are the ones you rely on his promises in his holy word. You remember that your “feelings” are irrelevant to the divine purpose of God’ will. You seek him more often, even if you aren’t hearing him yet and then you wait.

Sometimes I look around me and see the people who are in my life. I notice how the Lord has uprooted some. My circle is shrinking. But, that I know is of his doing. I am in the most submissive place that I have ever been in my life. I know he has this time of my life in his will. So, I need to focus on that more and less on what is going on around me.

Dear Lord, be my refuge and safe harbor from the enemy and his lies and even from myself. Help me to find shelter in your promises from the world’s discouragement. Keep me in your grasp leading my direction. Thank you for allowing me to serve a purpose greater than myself. Forgive me for my worry and lack of trust. I love you. Amen

The "Bye-Bye" Box.

THE BYE BYE BOX

Today I put my favorite heels in the “bye-bye box” for charity donation.

This is the graveyard for all the items that once were amazing, but no longer are functional for my life.

For years I have held onto these brilliant red heels. I had believed if they could just streeeetch out juuuust a smidge, they would be the best accessory for almost any outfit.

It almost seemed like they had magical powers. These would be the shoes that my future husband would meet me in, these would be the shoes I accepted my next award in, these would be the shoes that had their own theme song when I entered a room, etc.

But, now (sigh…) the peek-a-boo toe that once showcased my glossy and well maintained nails had become a sneak peak of shameful ashy hooves that were undeserving of such a heel.

Never should an engorged purple toe be on display.

These were the shoes that would want to walk away from my feet.

Yet, still I held on to the hope that my feet would shrink in winter.  

If this happened I declared, my peek-a-boo toe would have to suffer the cold.

But, reality hit.

Never should a blue, frost bitten toe be on display, either.

I realized I have held onto them for too long. All they do is take up space (along with many other pairs of “life changing” items) in my closet.

As I headed toward the “bye-bye box’, I was afraid I would hit another dreaded milestone in my descending spiral from youth. Sarcastically, I thought of tossing any panties that I had ever dreamed of anyone else seeing besides my daughter or my OBGYN.

 I thought, “Screw it. Might as well toss in my moisturizer, hair color, toothbrush- all of it.” But, to my surprise, I realized I actually felt a burden lifted as I tossed those red heels in.

Then, I begin wondering what ELSE I needed to say “bye-bye” to.

Before too long, the box was full.

Next to the red heels were the neon yoga pants, the two-tone turtle neck, the leg warmers (current season or vintage- couldn’t tell). Then, I moved to the hall closet. Good bye Mario brothers hand held game, Aunt Maggie’s yearly Christmas gift of assorted itchy wool scarves, that old VHS player (just “in case”)… Then I got enthusiastic. Hands like a windmill tossing items- “peace out last seasons white pleather jacket, see ya later to my daughters ziplock bag of hair from her first cut, my exes letters and dried flowers, my sons first cast…..Wait what? Damn. This just got real serious. What am I”????

I was like a memory hoarder!

The more I tossed the cleaner and lighter I felt.

Whew. When I finished, it was six hours and a few glasses of wine later. BAM. DONE. FREEEEEEE!

Amazing how one dreaded decision of getting rid of something I “couldn’t live without” was so liberating! I was still fabulous and I would find a new pair of red amazing life changing heels. I would actually be able to wear.

The moral of the story is that I held on to a whole bunch of items that reminded me of what I wasn’t, that took up too much space and basically were useless. It was the fear of letting them go that was scary. That in some small way I would lose a part of myself in the process. But, it was the exact opposite.

Now…

If only there were a “bye-bye box” for people.

J Missy